How to know if you're actually being emotionally abused. Now this is a topic we really need to look at because it's a lot more common than many of us realize and I think oftentimes in relationships we might just sort of blow things to the side or just sort of brush things off, or just sort of like let things but they're actually things that are a lot more serious than many of us even know. So today we're going to be talking about the main signs to look out for to know if you or somebody that you know is being emotionally abused. If you're new to me and this is the first time Connecting. My name is Julia Christina and I'm a registered clinical therapist, researcher, and online course creator, and this is a topic that has been coming up a lot lately as we look at different kinds of abuse in our culture and people that are being abused sexually, physically, emotionally, and so we need to actually talk about about this one because it can be a lot more subtle. We need to be talking about all the different kinds of abuse, but emotional abuse is oftentimes not quite as obvious, so can even sometimes be even more dangerous because people don't talk about it. People don't reach out for help because they don't actually realize what is happening. happening. Abuse is always about power and control. So the person who is doing the abusing is always trying to get more power and control, and it's usually done by people who were abused themselves. As the saying goes, people who were abused. typically abuse. Because they felt overpowered, they felt small, they felt kind of pushed down, they felt controlled when they were growing up, maybe if it happened in the family, and so now they kind of have this need or drive to overpower others. Or it's even sort of this subconscious thing that it's because how they were raised. treated that it's a subconscious way of kind of thinking this is how this is what's normal this is what it's a normal way to treat other people so it can be kind of this learned behavior as well and again it can be so damaging because oftentimes we're not totally aware of what's going on So let's go through our main signs. So I'm actually going to go through 10 main signs to know whether or not you are being emotionally abused. Whether or not you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, and it doesn't mean if one or two of these are present that you know for sure that this person is emotionally abusive. But it does have to be all of them in order for this to be a serious issue. It can actually be one or two of them. If one or two of these are present, it can actually be that this is an emotionally abusive relationship. But it's pretty much guaranteed if many or most of these, if you notice many or most of these are present in your relationship, that you are being emotionally abused. something needs to be done about that. So our first sign is that this person pushes your boundaries, doesn't accept no or doesn't listen to you and just bulldozes over all your needs. So they just actually don't listen to you when you say no, when you say something's not okay. They completely ignore you. completely. Ignore it and completely disregard it. The next sign is that they oftentimes will humiliate or degrade you. So if it's in private or even especially in public, they'll put you down or make you kind of the butt end of their jokes in front of other people or you know, if you say something about it, if you say, "Hey, that's not very nice," or I didn't like that. They'll kind of make a joke and make you look stupid again and say, "Oh my gosh, you're so sensitive. Why do you take everything so seriously?" Like learn to take a joke. It's no big deal and will make you feel like you're wrong for having your feelings. The next sign is that they will oftentimes if they're upset they'll give you the silent treatment, or they'll kind of just really shut you out or stonewall you to punish you, and it's not because they're trying to take a timeout, like they're feeling emotionally overwhelmed and they just need a timeout, a minute to regroup, if you know, a few minutes to collect themselves that they come back and come back and kind of deal with the issue. They're doing it to punish you and have power. you. That in a way they're removing their love in order to punish you. Basically saying if you upset me or if you cross me or if you do anything that I don't like, I am gonna take away my love and I am gonna remove myself and I'm gonna make, I'm gonna punish you. I'm gonna make you pay for ever doing anything to hurt or upset me, that they don't really actually address the issue, they punish you for it. The next one is that they are really passive aggressive, and passive aggressiveness, I have a whole other video on this so I'll link to it, but passive aggressiveness is otherwise known as covert aggression. So it's when they're being actually aggressive with you, but they're doing it in kind of sneaky or kind of backdoor ways that they're not explicitly saying something that they're upset about or something that they're not okay with or something that's bothered them. They're using things like sarcasm or like underhanded put-downs or gaslighting. So they're kind of like making you like manipulating your emotional state by kind of saying something and then if you're like, oh, like was is everything okay or is something wrong and you can kind of feel that something's off and they're like, oh no, no, everything's fine, everything's great, you know, no, no, no, no, everything, there's, there's no problem. So they're not really addressing it or they're just making sort of underhanded digs at you. They're making these kind of these underhanded remarks that are really cutting, but if you ever address it with them, if you ever bring it up with them, they're like, "Oh, no, no, that's not what I meant. Oh, no, no, no, you took that the wrong way." Or, "Oh, no, no, no, I'm just, I'm just joking. It's just a joke." And so you almost feel kind of crazy for, for having your feelings. You almost feel like you're crazy. for being offended by something, for being hurt by something, because they won't own up to it. They're just sort of making these passive aggressive comments or acting in really passive aggressive ways, and again, I have a whole video about that where I go into detail about it. But if someone is doing that a lot, if they're doing that often, and if they're doing it in really hurtful ways, then that is a sign of emotional abuse. The next one is that they will oftentimes be really inconsistent and say one thing but then do another. So they'll agree to do something. Maybe you guys will have an agreement that they'll agree to do something or you'll talk something out and you'll come to a resolution. you'll come to an agreement and everything seems fine, but then when it comes down to it, they won't do that thing at all, and then completely ignore the conversation that you had, completely ignore your needs, or even just deny that they agreed to it in the first place, and just completely just disregard it, and so really you can see, you know, there there's this real There's this real theme of disregarding you and your wants, needs, preferences, your voice, you know They just disregard you and make you feel small and almost make you feel like the bad person Or make make you feel like everything's your fault all the time and almost even make you feel crazy. These are some really serious things that often happen in relationships. So our next one, number six, is that they often will deflect any responsibility. So they'll blame you, they'll twist things around. Even if it's you coming to them with a problem, and saying like, "When you did this, it really upset me," or "I'm just really not okay with this," or "Can you please not do this?" Then they have a way of turning it around and making it your fault. Like they'll say, "Well, I wouldn't have done this "if you didn't do this," or "You're just overreacting to stuff, "and that's really not that big of a deal," or "You shouldn't be upset about stuff like that." you know, even as Point Blake is, that's stupid, like that's not reasonable, you shouldn't want that, you shouldn't do that. Or they'll just sort of twist it around and make it your fault. Have you ever had that happen? Where you go to someone and you say, you know, what you did was really upsetting and I really didn't like it and it didn't feel good. By the end of the conversation, you're the one to them and they've taken no responsibility. It's not that, you know, you've had a conversation, you realize that you were both in the wrong and they say they're sorry and you say you're sorry, but no, it's that you are kind of left to feel like it's all your fault and they've taken no responsibility. The next one is just point-blank lying. If this person is lying to your face, sneaking around behind your back, and then completely denying everything, again it makes you start to feel crazy. If you know that like something isn't right. That they're not being honest and when you address it and talk about it or bring it up they completely deny it But you know, you know kind of that gut feeling deep down that something's not right You can actually start to feel crazy because you're like, I know it but they're completely denying it And so it really messes with your head and you know, that's a lot of what emotional abuse is as well is making you really second-guess yourself and not be able to trust yourself. So you really just just really stop being able to trust yourself. You stop being able to oftentimes even know yourself because you're like I just everything feels just I don't I can't trust myself you know my needs are not important you know this person will kind of say one thing and then do another thing. Like, I feel crazy, I feel small, I feel controlled, I feel overpowered and I don't really know what to do about it. Number eight is that they will criticize you a lot of the time. They'll turn against you even when it's something that you're happy about. So even when you come to them with something you're feeling bad about. feeling good about, they'll kind of find this way of making you feel bad for feeling good. So if you say something like, "Oh, I just, you know, completed this big project. I just reached this big, big, big goal and I'm so excited," and they'll respond by saying something like, "Well, it took you long enough." Or like, "Oh, like really? You think that that's that big of a deal? Like, what do you want?" Like some of an award. Like they'll just have this way of sort of cutting you off at the knees even when it's something that you're feeling good about that make you feel small or maybe even stupid for being happy about it in the first place, and then number nine is that they'll control your decisions. So in maybe even explicitly or overtly try and control your decisions or maybe even just in subtle ways. That they'll kind of always criticize or put down your choices or always find a reason why your choice is like a bad choice or a stupid choice or a dumb choice and they'll kind of do it and sort of like I said like sometimes it's in these manipulative ways and sometimes it's in really overt ways but at the end of the day you're always second-guessing. guessing or questioning yourself and not trusting yourself, and then our last one is that they are really good at manipulating you to get what they want. They'll use guilt, they'll use, you know, they'll use that like seeds, plant seeds of doubt in you to make you second-guess yourself in your decisions. They'll make you feel like you're being mean or selfish or like a bad person if they don't get what they want or if you don't do what they want you to do all the time. So they have this way of really manipulating you and really kind of getting in there and making you again feel like a bad Or like it's not okay for you to have your own wants needs or preferences And they might even say things that are really kind of manipulative and they'll play the victim and they'll say things like well Well, I do everything for you The least you could do is this for me or you don't do anything for me or you know If you don't help me with this, well, what am I gonna do? If you don't do this for me? What am I gonna do? and really use just sort of that guilt and manipulation in some way, shape or form, to get you to do what they want. Basically, they will do whatever it takes to get their way, to avoid responsibility and to have power over you, and they'll oftentimes try and have power over you boosting themselves up by putting you down and making you feel small, and this stuff is not good. It chips away at our self-esteem. Like I said, it makes us stop being able to trust ourselves, and over time, it makes us stop being able to even really know ourselves. Because this person becomes so power overpower. and controlling and really making us doubt and guess, second-guess ourselves that we stop being able to even really know ourselves because we stop feeling like we can trust ourselves. We need to learn how to have healthier boundaries. How to recognize this when it's coming up and I hope that after going through these signs you can... start to see some things maybe in your own life or in the life of someone that you know so pass this information along to them but you can start to see that these are some really serious things that they're not just sort of like these you know not a big deal or like oh whatever but they are really kind of serious things that we need to be paying attention to and need to be learning how to set clear boundaries. around them. Now I have a document for you that pertains to kind of starting off with learning how to have healthier boundaries and it's called 25 ways to say no and not all of them in there will be you know specific to these kinds of situations where there is some emotional abuse going on but it will give you there will be some in there some in there that will give you some ways to learn to say no, to learn to start having healthier boundaries and to learn to start speaking up for yourself and start putting a stop to any kind of emotional abuse that's going on in any one of your relationships. Like the video, share this one out, let's get this information into as many hands as possible and subscribe. my channel so that we can stay connected and also come on over to Facebook join my Facebook group goodformegroup.com it is full of some of the most kind supportive um encouraging and fun men and women would love to have you over there to keep our connection going strong until next time take good care